Forgive me little business

Those pesky little self doubts are raging at the moment. Those ones that tell you to throw it all in. The ones that make you self conscious about what you do/ what you make.

But here’s the thing. I have just moved my family of 5 from a small crap rental to our new house. And not just a new house but a renovation which has been 20 months in the fucking making. Every tiny detail is a result of me and I have loved every single second of the process but it takes a lot of mental energy.

My 3 small people have tender emotions which need a whole heap more attention when change is in the air. Billy is currently walking around in circles trying to find someone, anyone. He cradles 4 blankies and has a constant look of panic. Ted is an A Type personality which means #controlfreak alert! Having a unicorn mum can be tough for kids like Ted. He has decided I am useless/ scatty/ late and therefore he should be the key decision maker for this family. He could be onto something but at the very least he needs to be able to read before I hand over the reigns. And Mem is just Mem. Head in the clouds and occasionally asks questions like ‘do we live here now?’. ‘Where did the trampoline go?’. ‘Are we going on holiday today?.

And there’s the whole 7 months pregnant part. No crazy hormones allowed with this pregnancy because time will not permit. I did the flu shot late, hooping cough shot late, gestational diabetes test late, I haven’t taken prenatal vitamins and my obstetrician was hired because of his laid back attitude. But secretly I have worried for my back and worried that this baby will make an appearance too early. I can’t afford not to be here for the rest of the crew.

And so I am sorry Ted & Mems for my lack of love for you at the moment. Give me time little business and I will find new stockists, I will develop new lines and I will make you fly baby!
#smallbusiness

IVF

Everyone has a story as to how their children came about and mine is a complex one filled with a shit load of intervention and a whole lot of emotion. 32 years old, 14 IVF cycles, 2 babies born, 1 baby on the way and 2 little embryos still sitting on ice waiting for our decision as to their fate.

The scariest part of IVF for me was the fear that we would never have children. I wasn't afraid of the IVF process or procedures involved, but I was terrified that it may never work and I would be left childless and sad. With every failure came devastation and despair. I missed out on so much during those first few years. Weddings, holidays, family gatherings, but I also gained so much and with every failure came a new wave of determination. I didn't let it break me and I didn't let it break my marriage.

All babies are miraculous but my babies are true miracles. They all started life together in a test tube and now they join each other once again on the other side. We are a modern day family and I thank science for making my family possible.

Mindful eating

All eating in my house is taken place on a chair, sitting at the table or breakfast bench. Kids, adults and guests, there are no exceptions to the rule. Distractions are turned off and we enter ‘no bullshit’ zone. I am not a strict mum but I am strict about this. My babies are still experiencing new foods all the time and I want them to taste flavour, feel textures and smell the aromas. I am encouraging them to be mindful eaters (I also don’t want them wiping sticky, grubby fingers onto my King couch but that is a separate matter).

Mindful Eating is defined as:

  • Using all your senses in choosing to eat food that is both satisfying to you and nourishing to your body.   
  • Acknowledging responses to food (likes, dislikes or neutral) without judgment.
  • Becoming aware of physical hunger and satiety cues to guide your decisions to begin and end eating.

I was really disappointed to see an ad for Special K this morning which endorsed mindless, impulsive and thoughtless snacking. In one scene a hip young girl is pouring cereal from the box into her mouth as she watches TV. In another scene a stylish career woman scoffs down a cereal bar as she is rushing to get dressed. It really bothered me.

It seems that the way in which we consume food has never been more complex. It is so hard to get it right and it is hard not to be misguided by all of the noise around us. We eat too much, too little, too often, too fast. We eat with too much emotion and with not enough education.

My hope is for my kids to eat with appreciation and with the knowledge to make the right choices. I hope their relationship with food is simple and without guilt. I hope that health is important to them but does not define them to the point of obsession.

Bring it on Kellogg's.

Goals

Our household is currently in 'goal achieving' overdrive. First steps, poos in the toilet, expanding a business, feeding oneself, learning to swim, developing a strong management team. Profound moments, frustrating moments, high pressure moments and moments of pure elation. I will share these moments but they aren't mine.

What has happened to my goals? My goals feel insignificant in comparison to my little girl’s goal of taking her first step on this earth.  I am distracted from my goals as I wipe away frustrated tears from my 2 year old as he builds up the courage to jump into Granny's pool. My goals are blurred as I watch my husband work towards his goal of better work / life balance. Hard for a man with fierce ambition but an equally intense love for his family. And then there’s me, sitting here, supporting, cheering, willing them all on. A one woman cheer squad trying to process what has happened to her goals. What has happened to my big moments??

And I realise that ironically while I have been helping my family achieve their goals, they too have helped me to achieve my biggest goal of all. A goal that has sat at the top of my list for the past 10 years. Unachieved. Waiting to be ticked off.

To be present.

I am sure I will falter but for now I am going to call it. I am present. As a mum, as a wife, as a friend, as a daughter, a sister and as a woman who feels like she is living a bloody good life. Perhaps my new found presence is merely the result of this new chaotic world I find myself in. A world that doesn't allow me to think beyond the next 12 hours. Whatever the cause I don't care because this new found me cares a little bit less than she used to. I think this new life suits me.  x

 

 

Yoga Uncoolness

Yoga is something I used to love before my babies came along. Yoga is for the cool and the zen and those two things I am not! Today I attended a class along with my Thomas the Tank Engine 'sweat towel' and I realised I don't belong here anymore.  It doesn't help me switch off and the only thing I manage to reflect on during my moments of meditation is how soon I can escape to get on with my day. Life has moved on and so has my place in a yoga studio. Swimming has become my new yoga. I belong in a pool where my babies can be too and where I can carve laps in fluid strokes with rhythmic breathe. Maybe one day I will belong back in the yogi world and I look forward to that day. Namaste. x